Hope

Following day after day of baking heat, this particular Monday dawned gray and stormy.  All was quiet in the house, save the rumbling of thunder and pouring rain, as I sat with a comforting, hot, cup of coffee. Knowing what was to come later that morning, my soul was troubled, my heart sad,  and as soon as I had awakened I knew I needed my Father. We needed to talk--a God meeting to air a grievance, to ask for understanding or some semblance of peace.

On this day I needed to ask Him how parents are supposed to bear the burying of their daughter. I felt sadness and anger rise up at the wrongness and injustice of a life cut short. The wrongness of a parent forced to outlive the child. The frustration of prayers for healing answered with an obvious no.  Why is one healed and another taken away? Why do we have to endure the suffering of our loved ones?

Understanding eludes me. Intellectually I can say that suffering is part and parcel of the human experience, the result of living in a sin-filled, fallen world,  that we were created for heaven. My heart? My heart says that this is crap...wrong and unfair. What is worse than watching a mother as she stands by the casket of her daughter, not wanting to leave her alone? Where is the justice, the rightness in this?   Making no pretense of understanding the heartbreak of losing a child, I still couldn't help but imagine myself in those shoes. Such sadness. Such grief.

As I spoke these things aloud, my Father heard. He drew near and I found myself grateful for the big shoulders of my more than able God. He understands my anger. He grieves with us, His children. Our pain is His. I drew into His grace.

I dressed and left for the funeral without all of the answers I sought,  confident that God had loving promises and gentle reminders coming for me on this day. The first came to me in a memory as I drove into town...a memory of another funeral of another life too short. For this particular family, the repeated "Cancer sucks, but God is good" had become mantra of sorts, a way to help them through the anger and grief.  But on this gray Monday, the words that spoke the most to my heart came from my daddy.

Standing before grieving family and friends, my dad spoke the carefully prepared words of the eulogy, lovely and eloquent, at times struggling through tears, concluding with a story of a few moments spent with my mamaw a few years ago as her time on earth drew to a close. At the end of this conversation contemplating the journey known only to those who have passed on, my dad spoke to my mamaw of the promises of the Father and the angels waiting to take her into the arms of Jesus.
"Mama," he said, "you just enjoy the ride."

There it was, this answer I sought.  It doesn't take away the grief. It doesn't take away the heartbreak or make pain disappear. It does bring with it the beginnings of peace and healing to the aching heart. Cancer sucks, but our God is good. His love is perfect,  His promises perfectly kept, and His children swept into His arms on angel's wings.

To the Kudelka family...may you find the beginnings of peace and healing in the promises and the presence of the Father.

Tidbits

Today I decided to share with you a few facts, tidbits, and silly observations from the past few weeks in South Texas.

~My mom (aka Beebs) is the best cook on the planet. The woman can make anything taste absolutely wonderful.

~Texas girls don't leave the house without some bling...it's even on their flip-flops!

~Boudin is pretty tasty.

~My straight-and-static-filled-in-Montana hair has an amazing capacity for absorbing humidity. It could be, at times, even described as  verging on big.

~Sweaty underpants are unpleasant.  (Sorry, TMI???)

~Just in case you ever come down here and need to know this--a stark is a bird typically known as a stork. Jay was pretty confused one evening during a conversation with my uncle.

~Texas BBQ is all about the meat.

~Big Red is a soda consumed in massive quantities down here. I find it to be rather horrifying.

~The low was in the 60's last night and one of my Texas friends needed a sweatshirt. I love that. :)

~My aunt and uncle have a tiny horse (dubbed Tiny Pony by my girls) that acts like a dog. Really...Tiny Pony follows the girls around and also likes to sniff our dog's rear-end.  I had no idea.

~Texas has bugs that intimidate even Shelby.  He informed me yesterday that he saw a massive flying beetle type bug with huge pinchers that actually scared him.  This is a very rare occurence for Shelby.  The kid has ALWAYS  loved bugs!

~My family loves me without conditions.  It's been lovely to be close enough to be reminded of this.

~People are darn friendly around here.  It's just not uncommon to find yourself in a conversation with a complete stranger while in the parking lot of the grocery store or in some other random setting.  It's nice.

Have a wonderful day, Friends!  Love to you all and thanks for reading!  :-)

One Thousand Blessings

For the past few weeks I have been reading/crying my way through Ann Voskamp's devotional One Thousand Gifts: Reflections on Finding Everyday Graces. With our lives in a bit of upheaval and transition, I decided to follow in Ann's footsteps--to write down 1000 gifts/blessings/graces/things I am grateful for. Call them what you will, it is a life and attitude altering exercise. Focus on the blessings...simple things, mostly. Everyday things that bring peace and joy. I've only to think about this growing accounting written rather messily in my journal and I feel peace overtaking the stress and the worries.

Here...I will share a few entries to help you start your own journey...

#1 My Father's grace and mercies that are new every morning!

#14 Libraries

#27 My Shakespearean insults mug. "Not so much brain as ear wax."

#26 Kerrygold butter. (Seriously...Oh My Goodness Gracious!)

#117 Being missed by friends I love.

#118 Being blessed with friends to love and miss.

#74 Tiny bridge over the Guadalupe River near Cuero, TX...just beautiful.

#84 Vintage Pyrex.

#88 Clean sheets.

#89 Creative, quirky, odd people...my favorite!

#121 South Texas bugs. Really. They are so colorful and strange and LARGE!

#121 Seeing my dad's love and affection for my daughters. Precious.

#54 Shelby's laugh.

I will stop there. Many more scrawls have been made--some personal, some silly, some forced out on days when it seemed nothing of joy was to be found. Hundreds more are waiting to be recorded and pondered, my heart resolved to continue on as long as I am able to put pen to paper. My desire is to transform this from a heart and soul training exercise to the default reaction of my heart...to live out gratefulness, joy, and grace.

Now go. Grab a gel pen (#41--I love gel pens.) Find a lovely journal and a favorite comfort beverage.  Take a quiet moment and begin to write. Write even if the only good thing you can think of today is breathing in and breathing out. Persevere and soon you, too, will feel the love of the Father fill your spirit to overflowing. He is good.

"When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in his great debt, then doesn't all become gift? "
Ann Voskamp

All in the Kneading

Life is just hard sometimes, with days full of discouragement and burdens that weigh down your heart. There are moments in life when it seems there is always something or someone trying to steal your joy, to uproot the peace in your soul and plant instead the stirrings of turmoil.

You know those days...the ones that start out okay, only to be ruined by an argument with a friend or family member or maybe disturbing news from work.  Perhaps what derails you on that day isn't a specific incident, but more of a general disquiet in your spirit--a whispering in your ear telling you that you are less-than, your work is sub-par, your life meaningless.  It's a heaviness, with the enemy of your soul speaking lies and discouragement over you.  Lies.  Deceit. Heaviness. All part of a whole, a bigger picture where the enemy wants you to live and walk in defeat. I hate those moments and days. Joy-suckers.  I refuse to wallow, to acquiesce and have found the way to overcome and rise above the lies so I can see more clearly what my Father has for me.

I found the answer while in my kitchen kneading bread on my counter, transforming a sticky mass of goo into a lovely, fragrant dough.  It was one of those days.  I felt the heaviness descending as the stresses of life became overwhelming, as grief for a friend saddened me, and worry burdened my heart.  I began the 15-20 minute process of kneading dough, my heart full to bursting with a heaviness that began to spill out in tears.  So much to say to my Father...too much.  The repeating, the litany of woes and troubles seemed to me, on that day, to lend them credence and give them too much power.  So I laid them down, set them aside to be dealt with later.  I  began to speak of things for which I am thankful, starting with a simple, "Father, thank you so much for this brand new day."
For 20 minutes, I spoke only words of thanksgiving, asking for nothing--just giving thanks.  The heaviness, discouragement, doubt lifted and my heart found peace.  I had found the key...a grateful heart.

A grateful heart lifts the burdens, dispelling the clouds that keep you from seeing the Father, reminding you of all that He has done and all that He promises to do.  Here's the best part....remember those things that I laid down and set aside to deal with later?  I looked around for them, only to find them missing.  My Father had them in His hands, His more than able hands. I choose to leave them there. Leave Him your burdens, casting them on Him because He cares for you. Rest in the peace that comes from thanksgiving.  Your Father loves you so.

Absolutely every single time I make bread, I see myself in the kneading. I talk to my Father God as I am adding flour to the goo--kneading and kneading until it is the beautiful ball of dough that will eventually be the loaves of bread that I pull out of the oven. Most days, I see myself as the "goo" but also visible to me are the ways God is kneading me into the woman He created me to be...always lovingly kneading, always forming.

Thank you, Father, for carrying my burdens, for holding my future, and for lifting the clouds so I can see you.
Amazing.

20 Years

Had you been in my kitchen a few days ago,  you would have witnessed this conversation...

Me:  "Oh my gosh!  Jay!  I just realized that on the 21st, we will have been married for 20 years!"

Jay:  "I know!  Wait. We were married on the 21st?  What????  I thought we were married on the April 24th."

Me:  "No, I'm pretty sure it was the 21st."

Jay:   "Oh."  (Puzzled expression on his face.)

Me:  "Wait a minute...was it on the 24th????  I seriously do not know."

Jay:  "I have no idea."   (We both start laughing at our lameness.)

Kyra:  (Yelling from the living room.)  "My birthday is on October 21st.  Maybe you are thinking of my birthday."

Jay:   "Hey, I know how to figure it out.  I put it on my Google calendar!"

And so we figured it out.  Young and clueless, we married on April 24, 1993 in Kalispell, MT.  It is nothing short of a miracle that we are still together and still actually like each other.  Really.  We've persevered and I can say in all honesty that Jay is my best friend.  Rarely does a day go by that he doesn't crack me up.  Laughter and prayer...the 2 most important ingredients in the recipe for a successful marriage.

Happy 20 years, JP!  I just want to take a minute to apologize for throwing that Timberland hiking boot at your head that day about 19 years ago.  You have to admit, I may throw like a girl, but I only missed your head by about an inch.  Impressive!  :-)

Moving On

It's official.  The Pierson family is leaving Montana. I realize that we tried this a couple of years ago, to no avail. This time it's for real.  I promise. Jay got a new job near Katy, TX and we'll be heading down there at the end of this month.  It's happened so quickly that we are in a bit of a daze and a teeeeeny bit overwhelmed, but doing well nonetheless. We asked God to go before us and make a way if this was His will for our family and I can't even begin to tell you the amazing things He has done. I shall save that for a future post.

As I sit here typing this, we are in the throes of a nasty spring storm full of rain/sleet/snow.  It certainly makes the leaving a bit easier for me, I have to admit. I will not miss 9 months of winter.  Nope...not at all. I look forward to not having cold feet.  It will be a new and lovely thing to live in a place where one can actually have a winter garden!  I'm quite stoked to learn all about gardening in South Texas and have already contacted several CSA's, Farmer's Markets, and organic farms. Priorities, don't you know. ;)

Montana is a beautiful, rugged place to live.  We will miss our amazing views of the Spanish Peaks and the Bridger Mountains.  We'll miss the spring and summer hiking. Montana summers can be a most wonderful thing. Most of all, of course, we will miss the people we love.  In the past 19 years we've been blessed with amazing friends who have become our family and it hurts my heart to have to say goodbye.  For now, however, I'm not going to think about that. I choose to pull a Scarlett O'Hara and think about that tomorrow.

Now it's time to get back to cleaning out, sorting, and packing.

Love to you all!

Simplified a Bit

I'm a big believer in keeping things as simple as possible. As I was making myself a smoothie today, I was thinking about how I've simplified that whole process. I know myself...if it ain't simple, it ain't gonna happen. At least not for long. I am much more apt to stick it out and keep doing something if the process to make it happen isn't complicated. Can you relate?

Case in point--the smoothie. When I first started drinking green smoothies, I put different powders and things in them. I chopped. I sliced. Now I ascribe to the KISS method when I throw my smoothies together in the Vitamix...Keep It Simple, Stupid.  (Click here to see my earlier post on green smoothies.)  By uncomplicating the process, there is an even greater likelihood that I won't skip it. 

In case you are wondering, making a smoothie now goes something like this:

-In the Vitamix, dump in a couple of tablespoons or so of chia seeds, pour in some homemade coconut milk. Let it sit while I do something else. Ideally this something else would be a workout, but it could also be reading a book.

-After my workout (or book reading), I grab greens out of the fridge and fill up the mixer with them. This part is fast since I usually do try to prewash the greens as I'm not fond of this step and would rather do it all at once as opposed to every single day.  So I suppose a part of simplifying is planning ahead.

-This is it, usually. Easy, fast, simple. If I want to add more to the smoothie, I do. If not, that's good, too.

When I do add other things, it is usually fruit, like blueberries or a banana, or possibly kefir. Sprouts are also a great addition, as is avocado or beets. I'm not a fan of most protein powders, since most of them contain colors, sweeteners, GMOs, etc.  However, if you do use protein powder here's couple of brands that I personally think are great...Sun Warrior and Raw Power.  Both of these are vegan, organic and non GMO, which is nice. (Don't forget that the point here is that you can add other things, but you don't have to. It can be easy and simple when it needs to be, more complicated when you feel like it or have time.)

What do you think?  Do you have the same struggle?  Do you ever start strong, with every intention of continuing, then life gets hectic and you get tired and all you really want to do is pour a glass of wine or a mug of coffee and eat an entire bar of dark chocolate?  To be honest, there are days when I might do just that.  In fact, I must confess to you that my dinner this past Friday night was 4 Newman O's, a glass of red wine, and a documentary on Netflix.  Don't judge me--Shelby and Jay were out of town, Kyra was working, and Maddy was hanging out with a friend. I was NOT going to cook.  Okay...so maybe cookies and wine weren't the best choice, but I did enjoy them.  AND I did have a green smoothie earlier in the day. I'm pretty sure that cancels out the wine and cookies. Doesn't it?   I think this proves my point, actually!  Had I not simplified the smoothie making process, I likely wouldn't have made one and well, my lunch could very possibly have been similar to my dinner.  Saved by the prewashing of the greens!  Whew!

Remember to KISS and carry on!